God looks at the heart

Well, I am going to try this blogging thing again. We'll see how long it last. I plan on homeschooling my children this year so finding time will be a challenge. Let me see if I can explain what is churning in my heart and all the things God has used to get me here. I guess I should start with the fact that I have so far to go and it seems like each step I take illuminates and even longer road. In other words I am so far from "arriving" and each time I realize it I see how far I really am. So, this morning what I have seen is how much fear and worry I have and how little faith I have. Most of the time when I talk to God about this I do what comes naturally...I try to justify it. So let me see if I can explain all the ways He is showing me that I just need to trust Him. I just recently finished reading the book, the shack, and I highly recommend it. One part of the book discusses how when Jesus was on earth although he was fully God he never drew upon his godliness to do anything, instead he drew upon his relationship to the Father and fully trusted Him. This was very thought provoking to me as I had always been taught and believed that Jesus was fully human and fully God...and he was but he chose to limit his abilities. In the book he compares it to a bird who has the ability to fly but chooses to stay grounded. So every time Jesus performed a miracle it wasn't that he was doing it but God doing it through him because he knew God's will and fully trusted Him to do it. I began to think about how much I trust God...or rather don't trust God. Where do I begin? I worry about our finances, my children and their future, my husband, my parents health, my ministry or lack of (I never feel like I am doing enough for the Lord).......maybe you can relate. Anyhow this morning I was reading in Samuel about David's anointing and how God doesn't look at outward appearances but the heart. I thought about how many times I wonder what others are thinking about me. It's that human nature in me that wants to be liked. Then I think about how I protect myself by judging others because of their appearance. Instead of reaching out to people and risk being rejected I stay to myself and make excuses that I'm too busy or they are probably too busy. This happens especially with people who I know that have a lot of family in the area, or seem to already have many friends. I figure their life is full enough. What I realized this morning is that my fear is causing me to be selfish. I am more worried about getting hurt because someone may not have time to be my friend than I am about what they are going through and might need. So, although I have a lot of work to do in a lot of areas when it comes to trusting God, one area I am going to try to do better in is in my relationship with other people. I am going to try to remember that all my needs are met in Him and any support I do get from others is a bonus. The bottom line is if I want to live in His will and fully trust Him, my life needs to be about others, and not me.